Eight and Odd

Posted by casey on March 17, 2015 in Grieving My Way, Writing Nook
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Today marks eight years since we started to navigate continuing our daily lives without Mom by our side.

Eight years.

I thought about letting it pass, as I haven’t been dwelling on it too much but then I never do really and as it always does it crept up on me, silent and staring and waiting for some sort of recognition.  Truthfully, that is how I feel about it, this day.

“Recognize Me” “Remember Me”

That in itself is a strange struggle each year.  Yes, it is a small struggle, but it is still there because despite knowing that it is in fact, just a day, those memories are always there. Each year I find it so strange as the concept of St. Patrick’s Day “celebrating” begins to spread or be planned for whether it is just in the community or at the boys’ schools or festive meals planned at home. Knowing me, you know that I tend to go all out for holidays, just like Mom did.

Even for St. Patrick’s Day she made it “a thing”.  I am sure you have heard me talk about the leprechaun that used to visit our house every year as kids.  We would try our best to set a trap for him, but that little guy always escaped leaving teeny footprints and mischief behind.  We were sure not to escape the house in anything but green and if she could add an “Irish” element here or there that day she did.

For me though, I struggle each year to “celebrate”.  I am SO thankful that it is a holiday that can easily go unacknowledged, but that feels strange too.  Yes, I put the boys in green and yes, this year I am making them a fun little lunch, but I just can’t fully embrace what could be the silliness of the day.  Fortunately it isn’t particularly weird to not say “Happy St. Patrick’s Day!” to people I run across today like it would be for Christmas, Easter, even Halloween but weird is how today seems to feel each year. Not particularly eloquent, elaborate or emotional, but honest.

Today is Weird.

If we had it our way today we would be celebrating, but celebrating Dana’s birthday with her, with Mom.  Instead we waver between the idea of celebrating and acknowledging with our kids yet another opportunity for some fun and the memories that seem to still be vivid in what is often not a steel trap for me, especially at almost 32 weeks pregnant with number three.

Yes, it has yet again been a year where I needed her.  With miscarriages and moves and memories made I needed her.  But won’t that always be the case? Shouldn’t that always be the case.  The day a child truly forgets that they had a mother, that they want or need a mother, the person who carried them and let their bodies grow them is the day it really gets weird.  And so I remain thankful.  Thankful for my mother in law who thinks of me as a daughter and works to treat me as so, thankful for friends who don’t tip-toe around but remember the loss and its effect just as much and thankful for their mothers’ who I think work to carry her doings on by still working to do things for me in thought, notes, showers and such.

This day will come each year, and she won’t be any more gone but the day will be remembered for what it was.  We will think on it perhaps, internally or to each other but it will be there and I think now, in looking at it for the day that it is, it will simply always feel a little odd.

“May the road rise to meet you, may the wind be always at your back, may the sunshine warm upon your face, the rain fall soft upon your fields, and until we meet again may God hold you softly in the hollow of his hand.” Irish Blessing


Finish This

Posted by casey on June 26, 2014 in Writing Nook
This is a weekly link-up courtesy of co-hosts Jen, {The AZ Russums}, Nicole {Three 31}, Lisa {Coastlined}, and Becky {The Java Mama}.
I have a quarter (25 cents) to use a pay phone, so I call… my husband because it is the only number I know by heart thanks to modern technology.  Well, that and several childhood phone numbers stretching from Ohio to California which are seemingly useless unless I was stranded there and wanted a stranger to pick me up.
Nah. I will stick with my husband.
Oooo! Oooo! I know my in-laws too!
But my mother in law has a broken leg. So she can’t come get me.  So still assuming I am stranded (hence the pay-phone) and not in need of a killer recipe, or the best method for stain removal I still say my husband.
Final answer.
I found $25 in my pocket, so I buy… a coffee, two dollar store surprises for the boys, a shaved ice after dinner treat for the house, the toll for doctor’s office visit parking and then the rest sits in my wallet for months forgetting I actually have cash.

I have 25 minutes to watch anything on TV, so I turn on… something completely mindless and non-educational.  Real Housewives of wherever with whoever? Big Brother? Survivor? Shark Tank?  Twenty-Five minutes to watch something I want means the kiddos aren’t around and I either need to veg out, or accomplish something.  That equally means that I can’t be fully invested in a show. Trash it is.

A meal I can prepare, from start to finish, in 25 minutes or less is… pulled pork tacos, if you don’t count the hours it just cooks away on its own in the crock pot.
At the age of 25, I wish I had known… to take a stinking nap!  The sleepless nights of my then one newborn would only be a warm up to the constant daily demands of two busy toddler boys.  That I have nothing to prove to anyone about my capabilities of a mom or “balancing it all” so to put down the dishes, put the dirty clothes back in the hamper and stock up on sleep…or snuggles.

If I drove 25 miles from my house, I’d be in… in yet another suburb of Dallas.  Pick a direction, you will get it again.  Big city living y’all.
Prompts for next week (July 2nd) are…
It’s never too late…
I compare myself to others…
My personality is…
I can…
I embrace change…



Posted by casey on June 6, 2014 in Writing Nook

Lots to do. Lots to say. Lots to catch up on.
But for now, the truth is, I am going to nap.

     Where have we been?  Well, for starters, if I have had more than 15 minutes, I have been sleeping.  Sleeping, napping, snoozing, resting, my body cannot seem to get enough.  It is as if the two years of never sleeping after Everett was born have caught up with me in a flash and my body is trying to soak up every cozy moment of shut-eye available.

To say that life right now is busy, is an understatement. At least in how my body feels.  Life is swamped.  These wonderful, curious, energetic young’ns of mine get me “up an at ‘em” early with a constant flow (no ebb, just flow) through our day.  I love it. I love them. I love soaking up every last bit of “little” left in Caden particularly who is growing mentally now even swifter than he is physically.  I love my life. I love what we have built and are building as a family.

But boy, am I tired.

     My joints and muscles are worn and weary from chasing treasure hunters, kneeling to pull race cars out from under the couch, bending to wipe that face, and this bottom, and those chairs, and that paint over there.  From standing on my two fragile lady feet for an average of 13 hours straight to cook pancakes, wash up from pancakes, fix morning snack, to pack a car snack, to fix a “special lunch” as Caden says, to a post nap pick me up munchy, to a pre-dinner hold them off snack, to dinner, to a just one more banana before bedtime bite.

My heart is full.  Full of love and life.  Full of life and loss.  My heart is filled with an abundance of happiness so that the trying and exhausting moments of hardship don’t outweigh the happy.  We now have an exhausting two miscarriages under our parenting and relationship belt in our journey to #3.  With tough choices ahead, the challenge of the process and healing has made my heart tired.  So as we embrace our blessed and very full life with a healthy two under our wing, during these times of reflection, analyzing and soul searching I am resting.

Because man, am I tired.

   My head is sleepy as I run through the tasks to be done, the tasks that can wait and the exciting decisions ahead in our newest of projects – building a new home!  The very idea kind of makes me want to curl up and rest for a bit though. Choices, choices, choices, choices, choices.  The things you didn’t know you should be picky about or have an opinion on are all laid out for you in this process.  I can’t wait to take a snooze in this new casa.

Because I.Am.Tired.

I am tired of obligations and plans.  I am tired of schedules and expectations.  I am tired of not feeling up to things I have already set up.  I am tired of doing anything and everything outside of staring at and smooching my sons. T-I-R-E-D.  I am tired of doctors who have no answers for me, for almost fifteen years of being a medical mystery in the world of autoimmune disease because I don’t have time for that.  And then there it is, the real reason I am so overwhelmingly stinking tired at all times.

   Feeling this rear its controlling and constant head over me again after a lengthy remission from the severity of its capabilities is like watching someone put a leash on me after running free on a ranch.  I have grown tired in the past of the phrase ” I just don’t feel well,” and am already weary of this phase again.  I am weary because I have two little ones who I need to let wear me out first.  I have a full and happy life that I want and am choosing to be in control over me instead of a checklist of ailments and symptoms and a saddlebag of prescriptions.  That isn’t me.  That isn’t what I choose.  But then again, isn’t that the whole game, that it isn’t always about what we do or would choose. It is about what is and what we are going to do next.


I am going to take my peepy-eyes in for a long night’s rest.


Finish This

Posted by casey on May 2, 2014 in Writing Nook

Finish This {Week Two}

My last growing pain was… mental strength in accepting and learning to carry on after my miscarriage early this year.  As if there was a choice to not carry on, having a four year old and two year old still needing you doesn’t leave you much time to wallow. (Blessing) But still, picking myself up and continuing the day to day when I was still processing an unexpected early loss after my past two healthy pregnancies stretched me for a bit until I simply chose a different mindset. Still being honest about my experience so as to not pretend it did not happen but mentally strong enough to not think of it or feel it as the end all be all of this journey to #3.
I grow and nurture… myself, every single day.  Sure, some days I crave a me moment more than others, but as a mom growing and nurturing my boys means I have to do the same for myself in order to meet all of their needs and most of mine.  As they age I have to continue to grow and adapt to a new age and stage for all of us (nonstop energy…tantrums…nightmares…) and nurture us along the way as we falter in doing so!
The guilt-free snack I enjoy most… popcorn.  If I am being honest, it is popcorn with M&Ms when it is a treat.  But I could eat lightly salted popcorn anytime.
The best reason to stay up all night…is a page turner of a book that you just can’t get off your mind and for that reason, put down.
If I were stranded on a desert island, I’d…layout and enjoy the peaceful crash of the waves that my mom-side so desperately needs.  Then five minutes later that same mom-side of me would go into complete hysteria over how I was going to get back to my “babies”.
Link Up to “Finish Yours” with  Jen, Nicole, Lisa or Becky.
Next week’s prompts:

I feel an adrenaline rush when… 
I feel energized when… 
I feel small when… 
I feel big when… 
I feel indestructible when… 
I feel stupid when… 
I feel smart when…


Finish This

Posted by casey on April 25, 2014 in Writing Nook

Jordy, Jordy, Jordy. You have heard her name before on here and now you are again simply because I am tagging along on one of the link ups she is joining as well. You can Link Up With Jen, Nicole, Lisa or Becky.  She always finds the best link ups.  With my two little teenagers (attitude baby) running the roost I need quick, simple and cute.  That would be “Finish This”


My favorite makeup item is…my concealer.  After having my two very busy boys, very close together I learned what always looking like you have two black eyes from not sleeping for two straight years after Everett was born looks like.  And grey hairs…and age spots…and, never mind.  None of my previous concealers offered continuous coverage throughout the day without drying out my under-eyes, or causing creases.  And then I happened upon Stila Perfecting Concealer.  Know what? It is in fact, perfect.

My favorite TV show is… Game of Thrones. I mean come on, it has everything. Everything!  Plus I get to fantasize about living in such a time while at the exact same time being incredibly aware that I am not made to live in such a time.  That and the fact that I am not equipped to read the books like my husband has, so I have to take the Cliff Notes via the show on this one.
The most spontaneous thing I’ve ever done is… gotten a tattoo on my foot, with my Dad, a week after graduating high school.  Completely out of character, and yet, there it is.
I prefer dogs because…they don’t pretend they like you petting them and then in a flash sink their claws into your hand while trying to gnaw it off at the same time.  I assume you meant “I prefer dogs to cats because…”  Maybe I read into that.  I prefer dogs because mine happens to be more intuitive than most of my friends.
I met my significant other…in Pre-AP Geometry class. Yup, circa ninth grade at the ages of 15(me) and 14(him).  I’m such a cougar.
Prompts for next week:
My last growing pain was…
I grow and nurture…
The guilt-free snack I enjoy most…
The best reason to stay up all night…
If I were stranded on a desert island, I’d…


In the Mom Moments

Posted by casey on March 17, 2014 in Grieving My Way, Writing Nook

It is the day for reflecting, for remembering and for reliving.  Even if I don’t want to, I do.  Even if I push it aside it is there. As I talked about last year, it is the sting of the day that is ever present. Seven full years since we lost Mom. I say seven full years not to put impact on the length of time that has passed necessarily but on how full those years have been for all of us, even without her.

I’ve spoken before about how it isn’t that we feel the loss more today, but that for me, once January hits I start checking in with myself more automatically.  Beginning because a new year and it inevitably ends with the challenge of reflecting on mom as March sneaks closer.  This year as my mind grasped for words for the stage I may be in I think I most certainly had it handed to me.

Seven years later, it is about the “mom moments”.

Not the moments she has missed in our very full lives, though as I talked about last year in saying, “In the simplest of actions, the smallest of moments I feel the sting. The boys learning a childhood song. Mothers becoming grandmothers. The similarity in a picture,” those everyday accolades do have a missing element whether I am consciously aware of it or not.  This year and I predict for the years to come it is simply  about the moments when a daughter just needs and wants her mother.

As I have observed friends this past year, mothers of friends, professional athletes in a moment of success, celebrations in a moment of joy so many first turn to their mother.  To celebrate with them, to thank them for sacrifices, to share in the love and to find comfort in the pain.  It isn’t that they don’t think of fathers or want to do the same thing, it is that innately, we turn to the person who carried us and cradled us and regardless of our age, size or situation is sitting with arms and heart open ready to do the same again.

The mom moments.  The moment you instinctively reach to call your mom.  To hug your mom.  To sympathize with your mom and if you’re lucky to share the experience, empathize with your mom.

In being fully honest with myself on where I am this year and in general allow me to share a little for this all to make a bit more sense.  In February just as I was full in the process of reflecting  – (realizing I have forgotten things about her (sound of her), being reminded by a stranger’s perfume the smell of her, seeing a woman her age with the exact peachy complexion and double-taking, ) we suffered an early miscarriage.  As I sat in the depths of really letting myself feel what I wasn’t prepared for after carrying both Caden and Everett successfully, after realizing what was not to be, after feeling the excitement of a new life we had wanted for us and accepting the hiatus from this process that was put upon us, it became very evident where I was in this seven year process. It was about the mom moments.

Seven years later, knowing full and well that she is not here with me, being surrounded by my husband, my sister-in-law and a few close friends supporting me and loving me as I tried to be very open and honest about what I was experiencing so that I could move forward,  I simply  wanted to talk to my mother.   At twenty nine years old I wanted her to hug me, I wanted her to cover me with a blanket tell me “It would all be okay,” and start a craft in the other room with the boys.  It isn’t because I wasn’t getting that love and support, but think about it, don’t we just believe our mothers when they comfort us?  How many times do you see a toddler be soothed only by his mother’s words, the tone of her voice, the look in her eyes even though someone else had just done the exact same thing?

In the mom moment of it, I just wanted my mother. In the mom moment of it, I was further upset that I still reached for her knowing that option is not a possibility.  In the mom moment of it, I felt I had to grieve her loss a little again, while already grieving and processing the what could have been.  It is the double sting.

Among all of the joys you so obviously wish you could share, it is also the selfish days.  For the weeks the whole family is riddled with the stomach bug, for the days you just want some company, and for the times you want that mother’s intuition to steer you one more time I wish she was here.  To swoop on in, a million more times.

A few months ago, in a rare stop me in my tracks moment, after saying our bedtime prayers, Caden, who was talking about me being his Mommy and Colter his Daddy asked me for the first time where my mother was.  How does one explain her love to someone who will not meet her?  How does one explain where she is without frightening a small child about the possibility of me not being there?  How does one tell their firstborn the simplest of answers which is, ‘not here’ while emphasizing the belief of ‘somewhere better’?  Even that, was a bit of a mom moment.

There are times when I want that “need” to go away.  When I want the instinct to wish for her to fade as sadly as some of she has.  But that would be a whole other tragedy.  Isn’t there something so beautiful about the love for a mother ?  The love for that role in your life and the instinct to need it.  The magic of having the role model who filled our childhood memories with what a mother should be and what her children needed.  As a mother myself, I hope that my childrens’ need for their mother never fades, no matter the circumstance, no matter the need, no matter the joy, no matter the sadness and no matter the age.

I look at my life with a very grateful heart and know that we are loved.  We are supported. We are prayed for.  We are given to.  We are cared for.  We are thought of.  We are fortunate.

We are a family.

We are loved.

As is she.
Not was, but IS.

No matter the time passed, no matter the moments missed because there will always be mom moments and that is what is perfectly okay.

(Also fitting Mama Kat’s prompts this week as a challenge.)


Beach Inspired

Posted by casey on February 20, 2014 in Escaping Home, Writing Nook

Mama Kat proposed the idea of writing a vacation inspired post this week which just reminded me on how little I have shared with you about such a topic and how badly I need another.  A vacation that is.  Life with littles.  Loving every day and always dreaming of the beach with a drink in hand.  Or Italy.

Ah Italy.
April 2013

Remember that time we went there? Yeah me too.  It is on my calendar to give you a detailed write up with an abundance of our photos during the one year anniversary of our trip since I have yet to do so.  I hope it actually happens!

Since Italy is a bit farfetched, how about something slightly more realistic of an option. Back in September after months and months of speculation, idea-throwing, resort researching and finger crossing it happened.  A Mexico beach vacation with my best friend of 14 years and her husband who just so happens so be a friend of 14 years as well.  We do high-school sweethearts big around here. We were oh so overdue for a reunion now that they have made their lovely abode in Oklahoma and we haven’t really gotten to spend any true quality kid-free time together since the birth of our first kiddos, almost four years ago, just three days apart. We held our breath until we got on the plane not believing that it was actually going to happen.

But it did.


Talk about needed.  Days filled with beach time full of sun-baking, frozen drink gulping, girl-talk while our husband’s got their fill of beach sports in our view.

Our hectic schedule consisted of wake up on our own (not due to our combined four toddlers or work alarms), throw on bathing suit, walk to breakfast, walk to beach and spend the morning hour laying, looking and chatting.

 So much chatting and just taking in the quiet that my book-deprived brain that so desperately wanted to read just couldn’t get into a book because I was so enjoying “just being” and not having to do anything.

When “Oh My!” the beach started heating up a bit too much for our desired liking (rough right?) we would saunter down the stretch of soft sand to wade in the perfect depth, just cool enough, just warm enough no coral in sight ocean to continue our conversations and laziness.  The best part about vacationing with your fellow “mom-to-toddlers” best friend?  It is in no way weird or offensive when your conversation turns back around to your kids, then back to what you were talking about, then back to mom-life, then back to catching up.  Because let’s be honest.  The majority of what is going on in our stay at home mom lives is kid stuff at this point.  So we are cool like that.  Which is why we can vacation together like this.

Yup.  This was hectic schedule location #2.  When it was just too, ahem, (insert hand waving fan here) stifling on the beach we gathered the very few belongings we carried with us and walked the few paces to the pool to find an inlet spot complete with lounge chairs and lounge beds to spend the afternoon, you guessed it; laying, looking and chatting and oh yeah, drinking. Oh yeah, and eating chips and guacamole poolside. It was as stressful and challenging as it sounds.

But we endured.
I swear our husbands vacationed with us as the photographic evidence doesn’t show.
Maybe I should prove that.

 Once we completely used up all of our sun and poolside accommodations we would start thinking about getting cleaned up for dinner.  Just thinking. Really though, we waited until our floats were taken away and we were the only ones left in the pool giggling as other guest started appearing again…completely showered and dressed for dinner at the various restaurants nearby.  Time to go.

By go I of course mean the short jaunt from pool to room, the quick shower into resort wear and then dining time.  While my inability to stay awake past 10 pm, and staying in the sun all day did catch up with me during dimly lit dinners, it was nice to actually get to eat a meal at our own pace over real conversation and then go to bed. And sleep. For a whole night. After night. After night.

So, as I sit here, riddled with life, a stomach bug that has made its way to each family member except myself (please Lord…) over the past week and a looming bronchitis like cough I know that I am SO over this back and forth winter/spring weather and I am SO dreaming of the beach.

But then again, aren’t we all?


Weekly Graces {Week 45}

Posted by casey on November 25, 2013 in Weekly Graces, Writing Nook

Weekly Graces

Week 45

Can you believe we are in the home stretch to the end of the year?

1. Yardwork
2. Buy one get one @ Starbucks.
3. Movie night.

4. Sweet mothers and daughters.
5. The carefree spirit of an 18 year old.

6. The boys looking up to their Daddy.
7. My husband starting breakfast.

8. Finishing all holiday shopping.
9. Decor productivity.
10. An easy appointment.
11. Everett’s non nap turning into a snuggle nap.

12. Blankets.
13. A new outfit combination.
14. The CUTEST little turkey and his Thanksgiving recital.

15. Quick Mommy and Caden date.

16. The over help you receive at Home Depot when you are female and show up showered and dressed.
17. Homemade (or in this case school made) placemats
18. Dinner with a longtime friend that just gets it and gets you.
19. Chi-O Christmas Market at Fair Park.

20. Lunch to-go.
21. This pair.

Finish our your year by sharing your weekly graces at www.jordylizblogs.com



Weekly Graces {Week 43 & 44}

Posted by casey on November 15, 2013 in Weekly Graces, Writing Nook

While I am still going strong keeping my weely graces, almost a full year later, it appears I am better at posting them every other week in two week groupings.  Seeing as how I am actually keeping track of them for my own benefit, I give myself an “A” for “Effort”…which the teacher in me hates because Effort doesn’t start with or have an A in it.  I digress.

Week 43

November 1st – November 7th

1. Colter needing a sick day making him here when I ended up needing a sick day too.
2. Naps
3. Fireplaces.
4. Making a birthday breakfast for Everett in the quiet dark of the morning.
5. Listening to Everett singing Happy Birthday.

6. An afternoon full of family as we attended two sweet birthday parties for other kiddos.
7. Early family Starbucks breakfast to kick start our anniversary.

8. Impromptu organization frenzy taking care of a messy guest room & closet.
9. Quiet.
10. Toy Story
11. Leftover 70% costumes from last year pulled out and enjoyed.
12. Free apps.
13. Quiet.
14. Spiced latte coffee creamer.
15. New additions to bedroom decor.
16. Snuggles
17. Napping with the dog.
18. Real mail.
19. Neath the Wreath holiday market.
20. Making turkey crafts with the boys.
21. Quality time

Week 44
November 8th – November 14th

1. Clean house.
2. Cooperative and entertained children.
3. Their excitement over the party prep.

4. A normal morning.
5. Birthday success for Everett.

6. Seeing family & friends love on him and enjoy the celebration.
7. Time with my niece and nephew.
8. Nap
9. Photos
10. PJ Day

11. Sales
12. Early to bed.
13. A smidge of rare early Christmas spirit.

14. Kids who love doctors and vice versa.
15. Praying with Caden.
16. Cozy fixes for a freezing morning.

17. Cinnamon candles.
18. Ginger snaps.
19. Holiday sewing.

20. Talking about friendship with Caden.
21. Organizing gifts and gift giving among family.

Share your weekly graces to round up 2012 at www.jordylizblogscom


Weekly Graces {Week 41 & 42}

Posted by casey on November 3, 2013 in Weekly Graces, Writing Nook

Yes, it is true. I skipped a week.  Even worse? I skipped a week for no good reason other than I just didn’t get to it and I just can’t bring myself to add it to this past week which yes, I am also late to. I did give a brief photo grace recap of 41 down below. October man, it gets me every year. So busy.

Weekly Graces
Week 42

1. A morning at home in PJs.
2. Surprising the boys’ with an aquarium outing.

3. A day full of the four of us.
4. Cinnamon rolls.
5. Dinner with friends and then experiencing our 10 year reunion together.

6. A full night’s sleep with no baby monitors on.
7. Breakfast made for us as we went to pick up the boys.

8. Naps.
9. Everett’s first trophy.

10. Meal prep that makes mornings simpler.
11. Halloween Curious George occupying excited minds.
12. Caden continuing to ask for more letter papers to practice writing.

13.Being able to fall back to sleep.
14. The cutest cowboys for western week. Made me smile all day.

15. A massage.
16. A surprise Pa Pa sighting for Everett.
17. Lazy, rainy afternoon.
18. Roaming Target alone with a capucinno for an hour before bedtime.
19. Everett’s first tear free Dropoff at school. Thank you Halloween and Western wear.

20. Crafting time.
21. My little firefighters and watching them grow.

Share your graces at www.jordylizblogs.com

Here is what I am grateful for last week, Week 42 based on the pictures I can share which compiles a 14 graces instead of 21.  Eh…it was close.

Daddy who creature hunts with his boys.

SUVs for optimal photo shoot packing.

Fun mugs for memorable afternoon tea pick me ups.

Binoculars. Even the Pretend Kind.

Coffee. For the mornings you find your son downstairs, asleep on the couch, with all the lights on…at 4 a.m.

A garage that finally has a spot for all of our strollers.

Festive Fashion

Tweezers. Thanks kids.


Quinoa Beards

Pantless Gangsta Babies

Craft time and Puppet Shows. “Welcome to Sesame Street Mommy!”

A child who finds himself hilarious. Even on the potty.


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