The Life of the Kazmanns

While navigating my college years, I discovered that I was most definitely someone who enjoyed time alone.  Someone who needed time alone.  Time to think, read, just sit etc.  Regardless, it was my time.  Well, when you have so much alone time that you begin to feel almost as though you are in solitary confinement its allure begins to fade only if you lose your focus.  It isn’t because you don’t need alone time, but you forget that you have to allow yourself more than that also.  A tricky balance.

With Colter having to be away from home more than here I adjusted to getting things done by myself and well being alone. Well, I tried to adjust.   I am going to go on a tangent here but just go with it because I really will tie it back in.  When my mother passed away one of the “duties” I took on was listener.  At first, when we were tired, upset, shocked or delirious it was challenging to sit and pay attention to the endless stories close friends wanted to share with you - their memories.  What I quickly came to realize though is that, they needed to grieve too, to connect and this was what they needed.  So I listened, we all learned to listen.

I have learned to be pretty independent.  I deal with things well on my own terms, in my time, on my own.  Sometimes though, that is difficult for friends and those close to you to understand when they want to connect, to help, to show you they love you. 

Recently I took on a bit of  a health hiccup (Baby Kaz and I are fine) and I rolled my shoulders back, sucked it up and used my mind and thoughts to be calm about it.  I knew that the more people I had surrounding me, hovering, checking in etc. the more difficult it would be to lock out the panic, fear or worry. Plus, Colter was gone and I needed to be calm for him - so that when I had to update him I could try to give him a small amount of peace in the fact that I was calm even though he couldn’t get home.   So, I plugged along and checked in where I thought it was necessary. With only a few meltdowns, I was quite proud of  how rational I was.  You say denial, I say rational.  As I worked through it on my own though, I again began to see that it wasn’t fair to those around me to not let them help.  I’m one of those though…you know those people that have a hard time, well, a hard time asking….asking for….help. 

At the time I knew it was best for me to continue, but as my father in law showed up (sent via Colter) I knew that those that love you need to be there not just to ease your worry, but to ease their own, just like with Mom.  Even when it is hard, and even when your brain is organizing the information you are working through, at some point you have to let others in.  They will understand if you need time like I did, but you have to understand that they need to be in the loop with you also.  A tricky balance.

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