Tricky Business
I have some tricky business to discuss.
Friendship.
What once was the simplest of relationships for most, even possibly arranged by your parents and filled with candy overdosed slumber parties is tremendously difficult as an adult. Well, for many it is difficult, but I don’t think it should be. Friendship is that thing that is suppose to be easy in your life. A relationship to provide you with comfort, support and humor outside of the main love in your life. Maybe your friends are your main love in your life which is a beautiful thing itself. We all should want to spend time with our friends, wish to nurture these relationships and jump at the chance to spend time together. So why I ask, do we make it so incredibly hard on each other?
Obviously we are busy. Work, home, spouses, chores, kids (I can’t believe I have to throw that in the mix now!), errands, pets, bills….shall I go on? We can list our adult responsibilities all day long, but shouldn’t your friends be up in that top five as well? At some point the excuses have to stop. The constant canceling of lunch dates has to stop. Unfulfilled promises of getting together or doing “what you should have done” must come to an end. Friends who refuse to put in the work are like boyfriends who still refuse to get marries after 10 years of dating. What are you waiting for dude? Since we are so busy, value the friends who bring you joy, not headaches. Plan your time for the friends you reciprocate not cancel. Invite more positive things in your life through the people you love, not the ones you sigh when you have to see. That isn’t a friend, that is an obligation.
Yes you will miss them. Yes you will look fondly at your memories together. Yes they were a great friend.
You aren’t missing them. You are missing the friend they used to be.
The friend they used to be will not fulfill you the way they are now. Many times we hang on to an old friendship just because, when if you were introduced to them today, you would not be friends with that person. Ask yourself that. Would I be friends with the person they have become if I met them today? It isn’t mean, it is honest. I don’t think there is anything wrong with admitting that. We all change. We all grow. Sometimes we are able to do that together and sometimes we aren’t.
I have been blessed throughout my life to have had many wonderful friendships from various places across the country as we moved from house to home. Distance has never scared me away from putting forth the effort of keeping in touch even if it simply means knowing the basics of what is going on in each other’s lives. Among many, one dear friend of mine has been in my life now for 13 years. Only 3 of those years were in the same city and state. We chat regularly, or at least leave constant voicemails during vicious phone tag games which at the very least show the other that we are thinking of them, missing them. We vacation together. We often let our minds remember the memories of our childhood together. We are friends. It is that basic. That easy. Distance didn’t and doesn’t matter. I currently devote my “friend time” to a handful of dear, dear, dear women who I miss as soon as our date is over. Yes, we all have different friends, different lives, and are even at various stages in our lives but we put the work in for each other.
Like many things in life, I believe your friends should be about quality, not quantity. Friends should be family.
Who brings you joy? Who lets you be just who you are, sweaty workout clothes and all? Who lets you curse up a storm while venting over something miniscule and then completely backs you up? Who keeps you in check? Who comes to you as an adult when they think there is a problem to discuss it? Who supports your family? Who gives love to your children? Who makes birthdays, babies, and events in your life special because they want to for you, not because they have to? Who is honest with you? Who touches base? Who knows you? Who loves you?
Who loves you, and everything that comes with it?
Spend your time with them. Let that person know you are thinking of them. Value and nurture that friendship.
Remember for some, You aren’t missing them. You are missing the friend they used to be.
Writing Topic Courtesy of Mama Kat
Wow! This really affected me today. I have obligations that I have kept under the guise of friendship for years. I finally had to come to the realization that we were little more than a chore for one another and it was a difficult thing to realize and more difficult then to act upon. Once I let the dead weight go I was able to really focus on the good friendships that I had in my life. Great post!
Wow! Great post! It’s so true as we grow older it’s harder to stay “close”. Friends who you once spoke to or saw each other every single day are now barely able to stay in touch once a month. It’s hard, but the ones who are dear are worth the time.
Stopped by from Mama Kat’s
The true friends you write of are few, that is true. They should be cherished. Time will tell you who they are.
So very true. It’s hard to realize that sometimes and I think there’s a definite mourning when you realize that the friendship has changed. Thanks for stopping by today!
I had the wonderful opportunity to spend time last week with dear friends from 35 years ago at my annual golf outing in Pinehurs, North Carolinat. How nice it was to see them, to learn how they and their families are doing, to get news about other old friends. I realized last week that I too, despite being “retired” find too many excuses not to stay in touch with friends. I will do better next year
This is my favorite post of yours to date. You made some great points, and especially as adults and usually completely separate lives you have to work that much harder to keep in touch. Many times, one friend tries to do this and the other one does not, as you mentioned.
I’m dealing with the same thing from an old college roommate – no matter how much I try to reach out, via a number of mediums, I’ll get a short response but not once has she reached out to me. This post has helped me say, “You know what? I’m done with thinking we were close! Your loss…”
And with that, I LOVE YOU CASEY and you are so important to me! xoxo
Such a good post. Thanks for sharing!
WOW. This post spoke volumes to me today! Through all the twists and turns everyone goes through you really begin to see who your true friends are and the friends you miss when thinking about your memories with them from years ago (but yourself and them are no longer that same person). This year has been a complete “open your eyes” experience for me and this post put all of those feelings into words. Thank you!
I had to come re-read this today. I missing some more than most and some “who they used to be’s”. Most importanly I’m here to remind you that no matter what, you have a friend here when you need and even when you don’t. I think you you and the family often and know that God watches over you all for me and many you all have come to touch. Take care. Keep posting.